


Arrestingly Felicitous Occasions

by hannahsmetana



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-10 19:06:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahsmetana/pseuds/hannahsmetana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Bluth awoke on the morning of his thirty-sixth birthday with very little expectation that it would be any different from every other day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act One

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently marathoning AD for the first time ever. I love it, and I wanted to write for it. I've seen up to S2e16 so that's how far my canon extends. Bold is the narrator. Italics is flashback. Everything else is present day.

**Michael Bluth awoke on the morning of his thirty-sixth birthday with very little expectation that it would be any different from every other day. Past experience had taught him that it was better when his family overlooked special occasions, as it meant they had less chance to completely ruin them.**

_Ten year old Michael bounces on a bouncy house. Young Buster is crying in the corner while young Gob bounces vigorously next to him, trying to get him to puke. As the camera draws back it becomes apparent this is a little girls party, with girls in frocks running around everywhere shrieking and having fun. A table sits stacked high with pink wrapped presents. A banner comes into view that says "Happy 10th Birthday Lindsay!" The camera returns to young Michael, who whispers despondently, "It's my birthday too."_

George Michael knocks and enters his father's bedroom, carrying a breakfast tray. "Happy birthday Dad!"

"Aw, thanks George Michael. That's sweet."

"So are you sure you don't want to do anything today Dad? We could go see a movie? Or drive out somewhere?”

“That’s sweet, son, but I have this thing at work. Besides, it’s pretty windy today. I’m not sure the stair car is a good idea. Tell you what, maybe we can have a boys night this evening. How’d you like that?”

“Oh, okay,” George Michael nods unconvincingly and leaves his father to get dressed.

* * *

Michael passes Lindsay on the landing. “Hey Sis! Happy Birthday!” he says, hugging her.

“Thanks Michael!” Lindsay responds. As they break apart Michael looks at her expectantly. She smiles at him a little bemusedly, before turning and entering the bathroom. Michael shakes his head and continues downstairs.

_Adolescent Michael is sat in his bedroom reading ‘Young Businessman’ magazine. Lindsay comes in crying. Michael hurriedly grabs a porn magazine to cover his actual reading material before sitting up to make room for Lindsay._

_“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks._

_“They don’t love me Michael. Today I’m sixteen years old and no one cares.”_

_“I care. Here.” Michael reaches over and picks up a small, gift wrapped box from the nightstand._

_Lindsay opens it to find an elegant silver watch. Michael turns it over to show her the inscription. It reads_ “To my wonderful twin sister on our sweet sixteenth.”

_“Oh, Michael, it’s wonderful! Thank you!” she exclaims while putting it on. They share a warm hug before Michael stands._

_“Come on, let’s see if Dad got us those cars!” They exit the room together._

As Michael comes down stairs there are balloons strung about and the whole family is gathered around the island next to a huge pile of presents. As he enters the kitchen the whole family, including Lucille, Oscar and Buster, turn and cry “Happy Birthday!” Michael’s face lights up and tears prick the corners of his eyes before he is knocked over by Lindsay, who runs into the room exclaiming, “Oh, guys! You shouldn’t have!”. The whole family move to envelope her in a hug while Michael is still on the floor.

_Sixteen year old Michael and Lindsay walk out to the front of their parent’s house. The whole family are stood in a huddle. “Surprise!” they yell, and part to reveal two matching cars, a red one and a blue one. George Senior approaches the twins._

_“Happy sixteenth! Now, I wasn’t sure which colour, so I got both,” he says as he hands two sets of keys to Lindsay._

“Where’s Michael?” Lucille can be heard to ask. Michael brightens and picks himself up.

“Oh Michael, there you are! Now come here and wish your sister a happy birthday!” his mother scolds. Michael huffs and walks out the front door.

“What’s got his goat?” Lucille ponders.

* * *

George Michael knocks on the door of his aunt’s bedroom. “Auntie Lindsay, can I talk to you?”

“Of course George Michael! What can I help my favourite nephew with?”

“I was just wondering why my Dad is the way he is with his birthday. He never wants to celebrate. And I guess he never has as you guys just act like it’s not his birthday at all, even when you’re celebrating the fact it’s also your birthday.”

**At that moment Lindsay came to understand something that she had never fully grasped.**

“I thought it was a typo!” she exclaims, taking off her watch to reveal the inscription, showing it to George Michael. “I thought the engraver had missed off the ‘y’. I never had the heart to point it out to Michael. Oh my God! Me and Michael were born on the same day!”

“Well, yeah. You’re twins.”

**And so it was that Lindsay Bluth Fünke set about to make up to her brother thirty-six years of forgotten birthdays. With limited resources she quickly enlisted the help of her family.**

“Tobias, I need your help.”

**Meanwhile, Michael was having the sort of birthday he was unlikely to forget.**

Barry the lawyer walks along the corridor with Michael. “So what you’re telling me is that Kitty has agreed to testify against the company. Specifically me. Surely she needs some sort of evidence?”

“Well, I think so. Here, you can read the letter too. See if you can get anything more from it. Oh, and Happy Birthday, by the way” Barry hands Michael a letter.

“Wait, this says they have reason to believe they have enough evidence to prosecute. What evidence could they possibly have? Am I going to jail?”

“I really can’t say at the moment. Because I don’t know. They use a lot of jargon. It would be much easier if these lawyers could just say what they mean.”

At that moment a bunch of FBI agents emerge from the elevator.

“Mr Bluth? Mr Michael Bluth?”

“Yes. I’m Michael Bluth.” MIichael tries to look authoritative but isn’t really pulling it off. Nervous and clammy is more the vibe. The fact his voice is alternately rasping and squeaking isn’t really helping the image.

“Mr Bluth, as you may be aware by now, the state prosecution now has enough evidence to push for trial against the Bluth Company. And specifically you. We advise you not to leave the State for any reason. Any attempt to flee will reflect poorly on your case, and will result in the issue of a warrant for your arrest. Good day Mr Bluth. And also, Happy Birthday.”

“Oh God. I don’t believe this.”


	2. Act Two

**Elsewhere, Lindsay was struggling to organise a party for Michael, her twin brother who, it turned out, was born on the same day. Fortunately, her daughter Maeby had the resources of an entire film studio at her fingertips, and was able to reallocate some of the catering for her current movie.**

_“Isn’t this a lot of food for just your trailer?”_

_“Marry me!”_

“I can’t believe you were able to conjure all this out of nowhere! Look at my little girl. Imagine what you could do when you’re all grown up!”

“Did someone say ‘conjure’?” asks Gob, squirting lighter fluid down Maeby’s blouse.

“No. Well yes, but not about you. Gob, it’s Michael’s birthday and I want to throw him a surprise party.”

“It’s Michael’s birthday? I thought it was your birthday. Were you guys born on the same day?”

“I know! Crazy right? And I just thought he was my twin. Anyway, I need to think of a way to get Michael here without suspecting anything. Can you help?”

“Sure. I know some guys.”

* * *

**Back at the Bluth company, Michael was visited by yet another unwelcome guest.**

“Hi Michael!”

“Kitty? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be avoiding me as you’re trying to get me thrown in jail?”

“Oh, Michael. I’m not trying to get you in jail! I’m trying to get your father off the hook. If I can prove that you were responsible for some of the more ‘questionable’ areas of business, he can go free!”

“Yes, but then I’ll be in jail. And I wasn’t responsible. For any of it. Why would you want to pin it on me?”

“Well, it’s nothing personal. I just want to be able to see your father again. I need someone else to take the fall. And you did fire me, and then lure me onto that yacht which you then blew up. Oh, I guess it is personal!”

“I didn’t know Gob was going to explode the yacht! The police already cleared me! Anyway, you can’t have any proof. I didn’t have anything to do with Iraq!”

“But you do now!” says Kitty mysteriously, before sashaying - at least Michael assumes that’s what she’s attempting - out of the door. As she gets to the hall she turns around and says, “I nearly forgot, Happy Birthday Michael!” before flashing her boobs.

“I can’t believe this! What proof could she possibly have? And how does everyone know it’s my birthday?”

* * *

**At the penthouse, Lucille was also contributing to Michael’s surprise party.**

Lucille is passed out on the couch, clutching a half full martini glass which is perfectly upright. Even in her sleep her motherly instincts towards her beverage far exceed the same instincts in regard to her children.

Tobias and Oscar are in the kitchen, having a whispered discussion.

“I can’t take any more! She’s wearing me out. There’s only so many times a man can give!”

Tobias nods in agreement. “I remember back when we were trying to put one up the chute. We were at it like jackrabbits. Of course it was all for nothing. Lindsay is as barren as a the Mojave. But we sure didn’t know that at the time! KY Supreme. That’s all I can say.”

Oscar looks a bit bewildered but nods at Tobias anyway, before loading a box with a selection of spirits.

Buster walks in and spies the box of booze. “Oh goody! Are we having a party for Lindsay?”

“Michael,” replies Tobias.

“No, I’m Buster. You can tell ‘cause of the hook,” he waves it, narrowly missing Oscar, who ducks instinctively.

“I mean the party is for Michael.”

“Why is he having a party on Lindsay’s birthday?”

“They’re twins. Turns out they share a birthday.”

“Oh, I knew twins share a birthday but I always assumed Michael was adopted. We never celebrated his birthday so it seemed like the obvious explanation. Yay! I have another brother!”

Tobias and George nod encouragingly while warily eying the hook, which Buster is waving around in joy.

**Gob was also busy sorting out the transport for his brother. Unfortunately for Gob, he didn’t know about Michael’s legal issues. Although even if he had, he would probably have still carried out his plan regardless.**

“Hey guys. I need to get my brother to his surprise birthday party. I think you know what to do...”

The Hot Cops nod back knowingly while flexing various muscles and preening.

**While Michael was worrying about whether he would end the day in jail, Lindsay was having problems of her own. She was discovering just how difficult it is to book a venue on the same day with no money. In desperation she turned to Lupe, her mother’s house keeper, to help her.**

“Lupe! You had a party for your brother’s wife’s uncle’s daughter last week didn’t you? Where exactly was that?”

**It was in Mexico.**

“Gob. Slight change of plan. We’re having the party in Mexico. You’ll need Michael’s passport to get him across the border.”

**And so it was that the Bluth family once again headed to Mexico, on a bus that Lindsay had acquired from the local Church Group.**


	3. Act Three

**Back at the office, Michael was doing a presentation to his shareholders when he was once again interrupted. This time by what he took to be the police.**

“Michael Bluth?”

“Yes, I’m Michael Bluth,” squeaky again.

“You are under arrest. I’ll need you to come with us,” says the attractive cop as he grasps Michael’s collar and bends him over the meeting table in front of the shareholders, before cuffing his arms behind his back.

“Um, I guess this is as good a time as any to finish the meeting,” says Michael, his face squashed into the table, before he is hauled upright and marched from the building.

**Had he not been preoccupied with the fact that he thought he was about to do hard time, Michael may have noticed just how familiarly attractive the cops were. He may even have noticed that the driver of the patrol car he was in was his own brother. Unfortunately he noticed neither of these things. Nor did he notice that the car he was in joined the freeway and drove south, away from the local precinct. He noticed nothing, in fact, until the car stopped at Border Control.**

“Hey, what are we doing here? Oh God. You’re not actually cops are you? Who are you working for? Is this something to do with my father? You know, I can't leave the country right now.”

“Michael! Relax!”

“Gob? What is this? Listen, I really, really can’t cross the border. You have to take me back.”

“It’s fine Michael. You can finish work a little early on your birthday. Yeah! I know, it’s your birthday, even though you tried to keep it a secret all these years.”

It's at this moment that a border patrol guard knocks on the window.

“Gob, listen to me. I _cannot_ cross the border...” Michael protests as Gob rolls down the window.

“You’re Police?” asks the guard.

“Oh no, we’re going to a party for my brother.” Gob indicates Michael in the back seat.

“You have your documents?”

The guard takes the documents and returns to his hut.

“See Mikey - no problem!”

The guard returns with a friend. “I need you to come with us,” as he opens Michael’s door.

“Can I at least get out of these cuffs?”

* * *

Michael - now minus cuffs - is led to a holding area. He is placed in a cell which is already pretty full. Looking around he recognises his son, his niece, and Lindsay and Tobias. In the next cell his mother and Oscar are comforting Buster, who is sobbing quietly. However he brightens when he sees Michael. “Hey, brother!” he says and gives a conspiratorial wink. Michael regards him briefly in puzzlement before shrugging and gesturing around the cell.

“Wow, I guess it’s a regular family reunion. What are you guys doing here?”

His son answers, “We were just coming down for your party. When we got to the border they stopped us and put us in here. We’re not sure why.”

Michael sighs. “They probably thought you guys were helping me escape. This is all my fault.”

**In fact, it wasn’t. The local church that Lindsay had borrowed the bus from was actually a front. The bus was regularly used to smuggle drugs and immigrants across the border. It had been under surveillance for some time. Unfortunately the D.A. had just that afternoon greenlighted the seizure of the bus and all of it’s occupants.**

“But why would you be escaping? I thought this was all on Pop Pop,” George-Michael asks in his earnest way.

“It was, but now Kitty is saying she has evidence that I was involved with the Iraq business. And still am.”

At that moment Gob is led to the holding area and put in the cell with Lucille, Oscar and Buster. Lindsay takes this as a cue to stand up and address Michael.

“Michael, this isn’t what I had planned, but I guess as we’re all together now I might as well say a few words. We’re sorry that you never had a birthday party. When I found out we shared a birthday I felt awful!”

“We’re twins...”

“So I decided to throw you a party today! Except it doesn’t look like we’re going to make it. But Happy Birthday!”

His entire family join in to yell Happy Birthday before singing a round of “For he’s a jolly good fellow” led enthusiastically by Tobias. The guards enter halfway through bearing a birthday cake, and clap Michael on the back before locking them back in. Throughout it all Michael grins happily, his eyes bright with unshed tears before his entire family engulf him in a giant hug, half of them through bars, but the thought is there.

“Aw, thanks you guys. This is the best birthday ever!”

**Next time on Arrested Development: Kitty’s ‘evidence’ turns out to be dubious...**

Michael waves a paper in Barry’s face. “Barry, that’s not my signature. It’s in crayon!”

**Maeby’s new film pitch is an instant hit...**

“It’s a black comedy about a family of drug runners who use a school bus to evade the law. Sort of a Little Miss Sunshine/Ocean’s Eleven crossover...”

**and Lindsay’s significant breakthrough is quickly forgotten...**

“What do you mean I can’t go shopping for presents? I spent the night of my birthday in a cell, Michael! My birthday! In a cell! I can’t believe I didn’t even get to my party!”

 


End file.
